adria_harrison

Part Two: I'm Only Sleeping (Will/James)

Please don't wake me
No don't shake me
Leave me where I am
I'm only sleeping

***

James had always appreciated the value of staying quiet. He knew that blows, indignities, and tears could all be avoided if he kept his mouth shut. Since early childhood he'd heeded his mother's advice: "Keep your opinions to yourself," she'd told him, "Until speaking up is absolutely necessary.

There had always been something about Jack that bit at James' better nature and forced him to do things he knew to be unwise. It could be quite a bit of fun, on occasion, to act on his more basic instincts. Most often it got him into trouble, but no real damage had ever been done. That was, until the night he'd gone one step too far.

"After we graduate we should all go off and live somewhere. Some island where it's just us."

That had started it. As usual, Jack had foiled any attempts James might have made to stay sane.

"Would we change our names?" he's asked Jack, "Or maybe we wouldn't have names. Just...a certain call on the conch could represent each of us?"

Jack had smiled, "You read too much, Jamie. I've always said so."

There was nothing extraordinary about the moment. It was like a thousand others they'd shared. The two of them often had those late-night sorts of talks--all deep, musing tones and narrowed eyes. There was something about Jack that took away his inner filter. He knew he could say anything without repercussions.

They ended up kissing, slow at first as James stretched out over Jack's lap, then fast once they both realized what was happening. It was strange yet familiar--James had never even considered kissing Jack before that moment, but as he did he kept wondering why the idea had never hit.

It didn't come naturally but it didn't feel awkward. So many things occurred to James all at once that he had to pull away and think.

And of course once his lips were no longer on Jack's reality hit.

"You kissed me," was all he could say.

Jack shook his head defensively, "You kissed me."

James knew that. He didn't know why he was claiming innocence when he was so clearly at fault. He only knew he had to get away and think as fast as he could.

"That was...," he made an attempt at parting words, wishing in vain that Jack would disappear beneath the floor so he could think, "I don't like you." was what finally came out.

It was the exact wrong thing to say. Not only was it possibly untrue, it was misleading. James could tell from Jack's skeptical expression that his friend was aware of both these things.

"I mean," he tried again, rolling his eyes at his own foolishness, "I like Lizzie."

If what he'd said before had angered Jack, this turned Jack into Mr.Hyde. His brows drew together, his fists were clenched, and that vein on his forearm that Will had nearly punctured while they were playing football the previous Spring was protruding rather fiercely.

James leaned back slightly.

"All right, then." Jack's voice had been venomous, "You like Lizzie. And I'm going to seduce Will. So we're both getting what we want."

That had emphatically ended the conversation. Jack had jumped up a moment later and exited James' room. James was left with an entirely bigger set of problems to think over.

***

James thought of Will in black and white.

The picture he kept in his mind was a black and white photo of Will the day Ana fell into the lake. It had been A Separate Peace revisited; Ana challenging Lizzie to climb the tallest tree on the grounds, Liz jumping at the bait only to have Ana slip off the branch, thankfully into the water. James remembered all of it, including the way he'd sighed in relief when it wasn't Lizzie who had fallen.

He'd never told anyone that, just as he'd never told anyone about finding Will and Jack later that afternoon, Jack with his head bowed down and Will with one hand on his friend's back. That was the image of Will James kept with him always, only appearing in shades of gray with the wish that he'd actually had a camera with him.

***

Two months to the day after he'd kissed Jack, James saw his two best friends snogging around the east end campus.

He tried putting a name to what he felt then. It wasn't jealousy and it wasn't disgust. That was the extent to which he narrowed down the possibilities. After that, he just watched.

It wasn't strictly voyeuristic given that they were snogging in broad daylight with dozens of students just around the corner. Anyone could have walked by and seen them.

(No one walked by, and James knew that with his luck he was the only person who'd ever caught the two of them.)

He'd been walking back to St. Jude's when he spotted Jack coming from the opposite direction (from his Art class, though of course James would never admit to knowing that). James had hung back, weary still of coming face to face with Jack without the others to distract him form the suggestive looks and raised eyebrows. But it hadn't mattered, because Jack didn't notice him. The boy had walked with long, confident strides across the late-January snow, a smile breaking out as he rounded the corner of the building, out of sight from everyone save James, who instinctively darted behind a tree, and Will, who had apparently been waiting patiently.

He'd seen boys kiss other boys before. He's seen Jack kiss other boys before. The wild card was Will, and what a wild card he was. James didn't take note of the mechanics of the actual kiss, but the way Jack shoved Will against the building told James what was coming.

The kiss itself hadn't been shocking. Just like kissing Jack had made sense at the time, Jack and Will fit as their lips came together. What shocked James was his own curiosity. Immediately, he mentally sorted through how this could have come to pass. How long have they been doing this? was the first question. More importantly, he wondered if it was before or after that night two months before. The answer to that question mattered greatly just then.

Another reason to hate Jack. James was certain he wouldn't have thought twice about this public display of affection if it weren't for Jack's influence over him. Watching two boys snog just wasn't something the pre-Jack James would have wasted his time with. (Never mind that the pre-Jack James had only reached the age of eleven.)

***

Later that night, James studied with Ana and Lizzie in the common room. Their World Literature test was the next morning, and when the girls had appealed to him for study company he couldn't think of a reason not to help them out.

The nice thing about their group, he reflected as Lizzie described her latest semi-date with that prat Beckett, was that the seven of them worked best alone but preferred to work in pairs. Not couples, but pairs. There was Liz and Ana, who were each one-half of what James felt the ideal girl for him would be. There was Jack and Will, who only over-lapped when snogging each others' brains out. And there was Andy and Teddy, neither of whom looked right without the other at his side.

Then there was James, who could be paired with any of them easily. It was nice to know he'd always fit in with these people.

James half-listened to Lizzie but watched her face closely. He could read her emotions more easily by looking than by processing the words. And when Ana chimed in with a light-hearted dig at Beckett's height, James gaged all of her thoughts as well.

He knew them both so well. Too well, Jack had once joked, his tone just suggestive enough for James to glare in return. It was nearly the truth, though; he knew both girls so well that paying any more attention to them would have been boring.

The problem, he'd decided, was that he didn't love either girl the way he'd have liked. Complete, settled love had alluded him in the face of first Ana and now Lizzie. Though he cared for them-- would gladly sit through rambling conversations about hair or make-up or Beckett to keep them happy--his love came in halves. Everything he now gave Lizzie was just the left-overs from what he gave Ana.

A lot of confusion and pain could have been avoided if James had figured that out before everything with Ana happened. But though James was good at staying quiet, that talent has always battled his tendency to choose the path of least resistance.

"You're not even listening."

James blinked. He was looking right at Ana, but he wasn't absolutely sure she was the one who'd spoken. To be safe, he glanced innocently at Lizzie.

Ana cleared her throat, "I'm the one who said that."

"What makes you think I wasn't listening?" he inquired. His first defense in these situations was an accusing arrogance that always pissed Ana off.

"You were staring at my mouth." she informed him, "Either you want to kiss me or you're reading my moods. I'm trying to be optimistic."

"Ouch," he replied. It was for show, though he wouldn't have minded kissing Ana again. The first time, just after he'd confessed his crush on her, had been pleasant, physically speaking. Emotionally it had been completely wrong--which was why he definitely didn't want to kiss her.

Lizzie was smiling at him.

"I have to get going." she said, in such a way that he knew she must have already said so a few times, "Get some sleep, all right? You look a bit peaked."

James rolled his eyes, "Take me now, sailor."

She gave no further comment, though her eyes did meet Ana's briefly before she left. Either Liz had heard, through the grapevine, about his confession to Jack, or she thought James still had eyes for Ana. Neither possibility soothed him.

(Now that he thought of it, all of his problems seemed to stem from confessing crushes. He made a mental note to think carefully before ever telling anyone anything again.)

Because she could read him just as well as he could read her, Ana looked away from James with a smile, "For someone who can go three weeks without speaking you say a lot of stupid things."

Something in her smile brought his guard down completely. He shrugged as the weight slipped off.

"Ana."

Ana batted her eyelashes teasingly, "Jamie?"

Until he said the words James wasn't sure what will come out.

"You remember when you fell out of the tree and into the lake?"

"I didn't fall." she disagreed, "I jumped."

He didn't want to argue, "I'll take that as a yes. I was thinking about that day."

Her head is still, a sign that he has he undivided attention.

"You remember how I visited you in the infirmary every day? You remember the flowers I brought."

"I remember you acting like a complete prat, yes."

He didn't smile.

"It was guilt."

He didn't elaborate. It didn't matter where the guilt had come from--he just needed her to know that it had been there.

Ana's stare was faintly appraising. There was a beat, a switch in mood falling over her before she nodded.

"I know it was."

***

That, James thought as he walked up to the dorm, was why he loved Ana.

"You've never had much luck with it." she'd told him. He wasn't sure how they'd arrived at The Past, but he couldn't say he minded finally talking with her about it.

He'd even smiled at her, "Why do you think that is?"

"It's obvious, really." she'd shrugged, "You don't want to work at that kind of thing, so the second you see the easiest future possible you jump."

"Or I fall."

"No. You jump." Ana repeated. Her head rested against the arm of the couch. She regarded James with a dreamy expression only he ever got to see. "That's why you kissed me. It's why you told Jack you like Lizzie."

Hearing first-hand about Jack's betrayal of confidence only made James smile more. It was funny how little he minded Jack's faults when the guy wasn't in the room.

"Jack didn't tell me that." Ana informed him, once again anticipating his remarks, "Will did. And he told me to tell you that Jack told him."

"Since when do we actually act this much like school kids?"

Ana grinned, "Since you and Jack started having it out like school kids."

He'd deserved that, so he smirked self-deprecatingly.

"By the way," Ana had slowly gotten to her feet, "There was another message from Will."

"Hm?" James stood up as well.

She had been gathering her books, pointedly not looking at his face, "He said that until ten he's going to be in our Lit classroom."

James was intrigued despite his better judgment, "Did he?"

"He also might have said he'd be alone. And that he was certain no one would disturb him unless he wanted them to."

He didn't even have to look at Ana. This half-code was common between all of them. James knew what the message meant. He also knew, with out having to think about it, that he'd be meeting Will in the classroom as soon as Ana went up to her dorm.

After she'd given him a proper digestive period, Ana met his eyes.

"Don't confess anything while you're there, eh?" her smile held a twinge of worry under her light tone, "Though...I highly doubt you'd be tempted to."

It was impossible for James not to love a girl who knew exactly how to play him. He admired the technique above all else.

He turned the door knob of Will's designated hide-out knowing that both his crush on Ana and his crush on Lizzie had reached closure.

***

"So I've been thinking," were the first words out of Will's mouth.

James stood just inside the World Literature classroom, one eyebrow cocked. After the day he'd had, he was up for any of Will's refreshingly stupid ideas.

In an instant, Will's expression changed from contemplative to content and he smiled, "Jack's worried about you."

"I fail to see why you'd think much about that." James replied. He was too tired--and as a result in too truthful a mood--to pretend spite at Jack's name.

What attracted James to Will was his ability to leap into any situation with a clear plan of action. Often Will didn't think too far ahead, but he always acted first. Most of the times this caused very amusing problems for the boy, but Will never became disheartened. It was one of those things James could appreciate only because he had none of it in himself.

As they stood together amid the vandalized desks Will appeared more relaxed, more soothed than James usually got to see him. It made the moment much more intimate, which assured James that something in their relationship was about to change.

"I want to do something," Will told him, "But I should say something first."

"Yeah?" James stood stiffly, braced for whatever was coming to him.

"I'm not ordering you around," Will began, "i just think that...for everyone's sake...you and Jack need to stop fighting."

James blinked. Then stared, and blinked again for good measure. When Will's expression remained focused and stern, James laughed.

"What?" Will demanded.

He couldn't bring himself to explain. Instead, he shook his head at Will and grinned.

"I promise not to...intentionally provoke Jack into trying to beat the shit out of me." James said, "Is that good enough?"

His friend shrugged--really, what else could he have done?, "All right," Will agreed, "Now I can do this in full conscience."

There were a lot of things about Will that James would probably never understand. why he kissed him that night was one of them.

What James did understand was that he had kissed Will back. Without guilt, and with the faint taste of loss that he told himself was about Ana and Lizzie.

***

Please don't spoil my day
I'm miles away
And after all
I'm only sleeping